The Adventures of Young Isaac Newton
by Mechatron
Summary: This parody entails the life of an adolescent Isaac Newton, and explores why he might have died a virgin. Read along for some hilarious re-imaginings of his discovery of Periodic Motion and other popular scientific concepts.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Humble Beginnings**

Young Isaac was returning from school. He took a step backward and tried to estimate the shortest route between his school and his home. Unlike the rest of the adolescents in his class, he was very calculative. Everything he saw around him was questionable. Shapes, forms, structures, everything ranging from the length of an average human's stride to the direction and intensity with which the nearest creek flowed were under his scrutiny. He asked the most baffling questions in class; the teacher was left tongue-tied on most occasions. His fellow classmates made fun of him for being inquisitive. He was a loner, and he was the most uninteresting and lifeless character at school. He was, what we would call in the present day, a complete nerd with no life to call his own; except nerds weren't given any sort of respect in the 17th century. In a world where teenagers were either busy exploring their intimate desires or working off their irresponsible parents' debts, Isaac was totally out of place. His focus was entirely about Mathematics and Physics; there were many questions that he sought answers for, and his desire to learn overwhelmed everything else. He found himself alone and estranged.

He jumped across a small rivulet, walked a few yards around the farms, and knocked on the door.

"Isaac, is that you?" his mother yelled. "Yes, mother" he replied.

"Can you be a jolly lad and fetch me a pail of water" she said. "Yes mother" he said as he dropped his satchel and walked to the well. It was the same well where he had tried to understand the rotational motion of a pulley; the fact that the rope took so long to erode under the weight of the bucket surprised him to this day. "What's bothering that silly mind of yours, lad?" his mother asked as he gave her the water bucket.

There were many things his mind couldn't comprehend, and that included his mother's ability to figure out what was going on in his mind, no matter how he tried to conceal it.

Her warm smile broke him open. "Mother, isn't there anyone who can understand and explain science the way I see it?" he said. She gave him a hug and said "I might not understand science, but I know that you'll be a great scholar. Now run along and go play outside. You're too young to be worried" she smiled as she patted his shoulder. This wasn't the answer he was looking for, but it was the best his mother could give.

Isaac walked to the fence separating his father's farm and the house and sat down, his thoughts racing from one question to another.

"Oi Isaac! Over here, you scrawny twit!"

Isaac turned around to see Billy and his annoying friends across the field. They never wasted a chance to bully him. As per the routine, he hopped off the fence and walked towards Billy.

"What is that barmy head thinking of? The shape of water?" Billy's friends laughed as Isaac lowered his head, waiting for the next insult. However, things took an interesting turn. One of Billy's friends, Joe, whispered something into his ear before he could carry on. Billy paused for a few moments, and then made up his mind.

"Isaac, we're going to bar maid's house to peep on her and her sisters. She's quite the bonny lass" he grinned as he tugged at Isaac's collar, motioning him to join them in their menacing deed. Isaac, however, had no interest whatsoever in watching women take a shower. He didn't understand why boys his age got so excited by a naked human being. Reproduction one was thing, but intimate passions that led to brief moments of euphoria had no place in the genius mind of young Isaac Newton.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Peeping Tom(s)**

Isaac never expected his bullying session to take a turn in this direction. He was grateful that Billy hadn't gone ahead and smacked him for being a "skinny prat", for instance. But this whole peeping situation had him creeped out. What if a grown-up caught them in the act? Or, even worse, what if the girls saw them peeping? The walloping would be endless. Billy's group were known to be trouble-makers, but Isaac had a reputation to keep. Never had he caused any trouble for anyone. He just didn't understand the logic behind it. Just the way he didn't see the logic in the current misdeed.

"Come on lads. Let's teach this knob head some life science" the group burst out laughing as Joe mocked Isaac. They snuck up behind the house, looking for a stool to aid them in their adventure.

"Why don't you take turns and stand on each other's shoulders to get to that elevation?" Isaac pointed out.

"Ye hear that lads? The knave has said something useful"

Another cackle from the group followed. Despite the jeering, they took his advice. That was the only way they could peep in.

"Oi, Phillip, do you see that lass yonder? The ginger-head?" Jacob exclaimed as he struggled to stay still on Matthew's shoulders.

"Skinny-Minnie's are not what I'm here for" replied Phillip.

Meanwhile, Isaac was trying his best to support the lanky form of Tom, the one who always enjoyed mockery of any sort, no matter how prude it was.

As expected, Isaac was the last one to go, after everyone else had tried to break his shoulder bones with their weight.

"Alright Isaac. You'll see what you've been missing all these years."

Billy took it upon himself to carry his light frame. Isaac heaved a sigh of boredom as he held onto the window sill, ready to take a glance, his shoulders hurting from all the torment.

Surprisingly, what he saw blew his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Peariodic Motion**

Isaac Newton. The genius who molded the future of Mathematics and laid down the foundations for the fundamental laws of Physics. The prodigy with many such achievements under his name. The man who gave the world the gift of Calculus, something Engineering has been built on for centuries.

Here he was, peeping at nubile girls in a bath like a devilish teenage brat. Admiring their delicate shapes as they stepped out of the water, his mind attempting to encompass all the information his eyes were receiving. He watched intently as one of the girls walked to the stack of towels, her twin pears moving up and down as she made her way gracefully in what felt like an eternity. Another one stretched her arms above her head while inside the pool, exposing her bare rack, her cherries protruding elegantly. A third one tried to step back into the water, showing her land down under covered by a dark bush.

Meanwhile, Joe heard footsteps.

"Oi lads! Time to run!" he hissed. Billy dropped Isaac onto the ground as tried to drag his heavy form. The group rushed towards the nearest farm hid beneath the haystacks. Isaac fell on his back, rattling his wiry frame to the core. Before he could realize what was happening, he felt a shadow being cast over him.

It was the girl who was getting her towel earlier in the bath. She was fully clothed, and had beautiful brown eyes, lush red lips, and long wavy hair that came to her knees. Her smile had an indescribable grace. She was the definition of what Billy would call a bonny lass.

"What brings you to a place like this lad?" she asked. Isaac struggled to find an answer. Before he could say anything, she continued "Don't tell me you were peeping at us while were in the bath."

Isaac's worst fear had come true. He had been caught by the very girl he was peeping at. He lowered his head and nodded lightly, expecting more punishment to follow. Surprisingly, she just laughed at his gesture. "Come with me. You won't get into trouble, I promise." she took his hand and led him to an empty shed. "What- "she muffled his mouth. "Quiet, lad. Answer my questions and there will be no walloping" she whispered. Isaac had no clue how to respond to this situation. This was another illogical scenario he couldn't comprehend. One that involved someone of the fairer sex. "Go ahead" he said. "Tell me what part did you like the most?" Isaac had fancied her parts the most out of all the others. His face went red as he muttered "your rear pears". "What about them?" she inquired. "I like how they move in perfect harmony; covering an exact interval of time with each cycle of motion." He replied. "My, my aren't you the gallant knight" she laughed. "Anything else?" she asked. "Everything about your shape is curved at a certain angle. No dentures, no crooked inundations. Perfectly smooth curves that can actually be modeled using mathematical equations without any margin of error." he said. "Blimey, I've found a scholar who speaks pure gibberish" she chuckled, leaning towards him "Do you want to learn more about my curves?" she whispered into his ear, pulling him close.

This was getting weird. What did she mean by learning more? He had seen her form in its splendor. The image had been imprinted into his brain such that he could draw a mathematical model depicting her shape in a matter of minutes. However, he could learn something new. He wouldn't leave that possibility to waste.

"Y-Yes" he stuttered. She gave him another one of her perfect smiles. Before she could make a move, Isaac heard an old man shouting in the background. "Rebecca! Come here and mop the floor!" "Yes father!" she replied. "We shall continue our lesson, professor. You know where to find me" she whispered into Isaac's ear before exiting the shed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: The Golden Ratio**

While Isaac was experiencing a plethora of emotions in the shed, Billy and his troupe watched intently, hoping to hear echoes of a possible mating ritual.

"Oi Phillip how is it that a dimwit like Isaac gets a bonny lass like that?" Billy was fuming with envy.

"Hush, Billy. I'm trying to listen" Phillip snapped back at him. With every passing moment, the group got increasingly anxious. However, a few minutes later, they heard the grumpy farmer yelling. The shed door swung pen and a gorgeous brunette walked out, leaving the door open. They stared at her, totally mesmerized by her form. A moment later, Isaac walked out, looking perplexed. The group jumped out of their hiding place and ran up to him. Billy took the opportunity to push him from behind.

"Take that, ye vermin!" he screamed in sheer rage. "Stop it, Billy. The lad has some answering to do" Joe interrupted before Billy could go at him again. Isaac got back on his feet, confounded by Billy's behavior.

"Alright scum. What witchcraft did you do to make that lass fall into your lap?" Phillip asked. "I didn't do anything! She just asked me if I liked her curves so I described them in detail." Isaac replied. The crowd broke into whispers after hearing this. "We might have something to learn from this prat after all." Tom chimed in. Some agreed to this. Some were still not sure what to do. All of them wanted to feel the soft touch of a feminine form and to say goodbye to their innocence once and for all. Billy realized there was going to be a falling out. Or, even worse, Isaac might take his place. "Keep it together lads! Let's leave this scum for now" he shouted as Tom helped Isaac get back up on his feet. Unable to decide anything, the group headed back, with Billy at the helm.

Isaac tried to make sense of the whole situation as he headed back home. First, the girl. Agreed, she was beautiful. And so were her curves. What would she show him in the next "lesson"? Second, Billy's gang. Why were they furious? And what did they think was happening in the shed? People in general were very confusing; that's the realization he came to. Their behavior couldn't be predicted, and there was nothing rational about their thought process. In a certain sense, they were close to the very animals they labeled as being "wild". Despite having the ability to expand on their scientific knowledge, they chose to remain ignorant and lead foolish lives. Or so he thought. Upon reaching his home, he went to his room and lit the candle on the desk. He decided to sketch the curvaceous form he saw in the bath and analyze every detail.

He split the page into three sections: the front, rear and side view. He went about the task, jotting down everything he remembered on the parchment. Whilst drawing the side view, he realized something; he opened a drawer and scrambled through some of his old sketches. There it was, in all its glory. The shape of a snail's shell he had drawn a few weeks ago. Comparing that to the side view of the girl's curvy posterior, he concluded that he was right all along. There was a relation between the two shapes. Both were curved at the same angle, and the spirals coincided with the curves. They were a perfect fit, with the same curvature and angular deviation. Isaac still wasn't sure what to name his discovery. Or was there any existing documentation of this somewhere in the outside world?

Little did he know that he had just stumbled upon the Golden Ratio.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Age-old discovery**

The Golden Ratio was implemented by the Greeks; the statues in the Parthenon were sculpted using this principle thousands of years ago. Almost a century later, Euclid documented the same in his works, using a different name. Although the concept was used only for straight lines, Fibonacci came up with a spiral shape in the 10th century. This is where our story converges; Newton had documented a Fibonacci spiral from a snail's shell centuries later. The same shape reappeared in front of him in the form of Rebecca's plump rear.

He re-examined his sketches, looking for more hidden secrets; what was it about nature that made it repeat certain patterns? The layman's eyes wouldn't be able to recognize such symmetry in a wild, natural setting.

Isaac's insatiable thirst for knowledge kept him awake till late; he rummaged through all the cabinets and drawers around the house, looking for any drawings he might have misplaced. From dusk till dawn, he studied all the data he had collected, hoping to find something new. As dawn broke, he heard birds chirping. It was accompanied by a rooster's wake-up call. Soon enough, he could smell his mother's delicious breakfast recipes from the kitchen.

"Isaac! Wake up lad, we need to eat breakfast and rush to church. And see if your father's awake" she yelled.

"Yes mum" he shouted as he got off his chair, eyelids drooping dangerously low. He splashed a handful of water to keep himself awake. Once again, Rebecca's shape flashed through his mind, jolting his mind wide awake. He sat down for breakfast at the dining table with his father who was stifling a yawn.

"Isaac, I want you to sit with the rest of the lads at church. It's time you stop snuggling between me and your mother" his father grumbled. Newton's father had been receiving complaints from teachers about his idyllic school life; he couldn't express his concern any better. Isaac nodded as he waited for his meal. He was thinking about the pie his mom had been baking. The sweet smell wafted through the room as she placed the dish on the table. Isaac and his father dove into the delicacy with their knives and forks, securing triangular sections onto their plates.

Isaac bit into the tip, relishing the taste. He looked at the shape and wondered why he hadn't cut out a square or rectangular piece instead of a triangle. He put it back onto his plate as he realized that he saw this shape the previous day in the women's bath. It was the inverted rhombus that men craved in their deepest, darkest fantasies. An absolute delight with the capacity to shatter the iron will of a highly resilient monk.

The Newton family started their weekly trip to the church; throughout the course of the journey, Isaac was unable to take his mind off the peculiar shape. It dawned on him that there was only one way to learn more; visiting Rebecca. She seemed comfortable with the prospect of Isaac studying her naked form. How and where they would conduct this little experiment was now his prime concern. The sound of creaking hinges snapped him back to reality from his train of thought. He looked around to see his father pushing the church door open, followed by other visitors.

Something unexpected was coming his way.


End file.
